good one:
This is a little known fact, but when the Oilers want to public to know something, they call me first. Not TSN. Not Hockey Night in Canada. Not anyone in the Edmonton-area media. Not even their own PR people. It's me they call. Me.
Sure, the Oilers did an "End of Season" news conference, but that was just for show. Five minutes after it ended, Oilers General Manager Steve Tambellini called me to set up an in-depth, face-to-face interview to discuss the Oilers season, and what's ahead in 2012/2013. The following is a transcript of that interview.
Richard Cloutier: Hey Steve. Have you recovered yet from the news that you won the draft lottery?
Steve Tambellini: Hi Rich. It's been a while, and I must say, you look fantastic. I mean seriously. Remember how all the women were crazy over Craig Simpson? You make him look like Shawn Horcoff. Which Hilton sister are you seeing right now, Paris or Nicky? If it's Paris, I'd shower more often if I were you.
RC: Stop, you're embarrassing me...
ST: To answer your question, winning the lottery was not a shock. The Oilers were due. I mean, we...no I...deserved to win after the season I had. Talk about feeling unappreciated. I wish I could pick up the Oilers and move them to a city where the sun is warm and the fans are indifferent.
RC: How did you feel about the 2011/2012 season?
ST: Super fantastic awesome. It was like finding an extra toy in your box of cereal. It's like finding your own underwear at 6am after the rave ends. Not only did the team reach the goals I set, but they exceeded team.
RC: Didn't you say at the start of the season the goal was to make the playoffs?
ST: Sure, I said it. You believe what I say? Don't. I have to say we'll make the playoffs. What am I suppose to say to people? "It's okay, don't buy our tickets, because this season will be meaningless"...I have to promise wins. Daryl Katz makes me. Actually, he's a real grump about it.
RC: What was the goal if it wasn't making the playoffs?
ST: Kill time, mostly. Look, this team sucks. I know it; you know it; even the owner knows it. It's not going to suck forever. We have...what...three superstar players now in the form of Hall, Eberle and Nugent-Hopkins. I figure if we keep finishing in the Bottom 5 for the next 17 seasons, we'll have 20 superstars. We'll hardly ever lose when that happens. I know math, and it's going to take 17 more years to complete 17 more seasons. Fans are going to need to be patient. Truthfully though, as long as people buy tickets and pay any amount we ask to come to games, I couldn't give a fig if we win or not. Winning is work; money is money.
RC: How did you feel about Oilers coaching; more specifically, the work of Tom Renney?
ST: Great distraction. As long as people think coaching is the problem, they don't look at what I do. I'll tell you a story: When I was looking to hire a Head Coach, I wanted someone who wasn't going to argue, and Renney is tremendous in that capacity. He willing takes abuse all season from fans, players, and the media. Hardly anyone asks if I know what I was doing, because Renney is a passive sycophant who allows everyone to publicly hammer on him. It's awesome.
RC: What did you do for the Oilers last season to improve the team?
ST: I answered the phone. You would not believe how many phone calls I get in a day. There was this one time Brian Burke called me, and he was all like "hey Tambi, I'll give you Schenn and Franson and a 1st round pick for Linus Omark" and I was all like "but if we make a trade, do I have to fill out forms and fax them to the NHL head office? Because if so, I'm not interested." Work is for the poor and stupid people.
RC: Did you do anything else this season?
ST: I let Kevin Lowe throw things at me once in a while. The man is an absolute tyrant, I'll tell you. Once he starts hitting you, he just keeps going. I'd call the owner to complain, but, you know...work. Stevie doesn't do work. Calling people is work. I'd rather take Lowe's beatings. They only happen every six weeks or so, so it's not that bad.
RC: What's the plan for the Oilers next season?
ST: I plan on watching the Oilers lose games and not helping them much because we need to improve through the draft. Last season, I had the right idea. I went into summer knowing the team needed size up front, at least two more Top 4 defensemen and a goaltender. I completely ignored all those needs so we could win the lotto and take Yakupov. My plan worked so well, I plan on repeating it. I fully expect Nathan MacKinnon to be an Oiler by July 1, 2013. Can you imagine a line with Hall, Eberle, Nuge, Yakupov AND MacKinnon? Brilliant. Put Smid and Petry on defense for that line, and we'd be unstoppable.
RC: Many Oilers fans have suggested trading Ales Hemsky and/or Sam Gagner to bring in better defensemen...
ST: Yeah, I heard that. I like Hemsky because he plays the game like I run the team. Nothing seems to faze him. I gave him $10mil for the next two seasons because I think I'm worth $10mil for the next two seasons. Maybe more. As far as Gagner goes, that little runt still owes me $37.50 from poker last week. That's the last time I spot that deadbeat so he can bet on a pair of twos. Useless. I'm not gonna trade him, because his dad was a real hockey player, and he hangs out with the team sometimes. Adds to my street cred. Plus, he's going nowhere until I get my $37.50, plus interest.
RC: How do you feel about the Oilers goaltending going into next season?
ST: Dubnyk is tall. Ridiculously tall. Khabibulin is not as tall.
RC: Was there anyone who really surprised you last season with his performance?
ST: I kinda hate the play-by-play team who covers Flames games on Sportsnet. Shockingly bad.
RC: Are you going to give Tom Renney a new contract, or is he gone before next season?
ST: Sorta both. I plan on giving him a five year deal and firing him five games into the season. He'll never see it coming.
RC: And Yakupov? Taking him, or trading the pick?
ST: I'll take Yakupov, because nothing is better than taking a player with elite talent and slowly and methodically eliminating his will to live. Have you see Hall lately? Seems more bitter and depressed with every interview. God, I love my job.
Ale jak řikám, vůbec se jí nedivím. Jackets byli letos jasně nejhorší a takovej luck na draftu sem dlouho neviděl. To je prostě ukradenej Yakupov.
jak keby za to mozme, ze nas vyzrebovali...
a ze by sme brali Yakupova, to mi pride zbytocne.
nemáš ešte nejaké tipy? 
Ja tam vidím dropoff znova okolo 23. miesta, takže všetko ako obvykle.
o 7 vitazstiev viac 
Mě se to zamlouvá.
Aha už viem! 
driver. Sorry chalani, toto som si nemohol odpustiť. 
